Dear Me… You’ve burned out…
When most people check my social media accounts, they assume I’m out Livin La Vida Loca (living the crazy life) and before November 2018, I was – smiling and being a social butterfly.
But it was all a façade – A façade to mask what I was really enduring. Yes that will explain why I haven’t blogged since 11 December 2018. I had moments where I felt like I was losing my mind.
You see, let me start from the beginning where I knew something was amiss. I was trying to fall asleep one night in November and the harder I tried, the angrier I got with myself for not falling asleep. My body was tired but my head felt heavy. I thought “must be the excitement of going away to Zanzibar (that’s for another blog post) and that’s why I can’t sleep”… how wrong was I…
We came back from Zanzibar and I had the concentration span of a peanut – again here I thought “it’s December, it’s festive – my body is probably ready for a much needed break…”
And so the December holidays began and that’s when I really started noticing thing:
- The amazing 10kgs I lost, I noticed I slowly starting packing it on again – maybe not all 10, just a kg or 3 again…
- Sleeping hurt my body but I just can’t get enough of it yet I’m overly exhausted…all the time…
- Unmotivated and uninspired
- My body aches that even a massage hurts the minute I’m touched – very unlike me since I’m spa crazy.
- Forgetful AF – and this happened to me more than once where I even argued with Zunaid. I completely blanked out on a day or two and don’t even remember it happening and I kept thinking it was Monday but was actually Sunday and I kept asking Zunaid “what did we then do on Friday?”; and “was I with that Friday?” or I’ll sleep at night for an hour or two but it feels like I’ve slept for ages, I’d wake up confused and blank and I won’t remember anything, I’ll converse as if I’m awake and go back to sleep – and I know all this because I remember it.
It got to a point where I messaged my best friend and reckoned to her “I think I’m dying of ageism or experiencing menopause. Can’t tell the difference right now” and she laughed…
I asked on my social media if anyone tried a vitamin drip because at this point I’m currently desperate for any way to fix this. I sent my other friend a message – she’s a doctor but someone else replied to my social media rant – with the same answer my doctor friend sent me – I’m burned out – emotionally, mentally and physically.
Clearly this isn’t true – especially not for me. But man was I was happy Google MD was wrong – I was not dying of head cancer.
Definition of burnout – Burnout is persistent physical, mental or emotional exhaustion caused by long-term stress, usually as a result of excessive workplace and/or personal responsibilities.
It was as if a light bulb went off… this is so me… I was just doing a really great job at hiding it all and not at all listening to my body… I was considered Superwoman after all…
Looking back at 2017 and 2018, I dealt with a shit load.
- Got married
- Dealt with an ex-wife – Zunaid had countless court cases because of this
- Needed to fix Zunaid
- Had to get Amra into a new school
- Lost an uncle to death
- Had my appendix removed – which took me very long to recover – physically and mentally
- Had a Cuppa for CANSA event
- Amra started school – grade 1
- Still dealt with an ex-wife – Zunaid had countless court cases because of this
- Endured way too much gossip from people who felt that my life was up for discussion – this was my reason for removing a lot of toxic people from my circle…
- Started a new job
- Went on a weight loss journey
- Ended up violently sick in winter because of the lack of weight on my body
- Needed to get funds together for Zanzibar
No wonder I’m bloody burned out… I’m knackered mentally, physically and emotionally. And I realised we as women have a lot to endure. We juggle it all – work, home life, social living…
While we say “let us women stand together” it should also be known that it’s very real that “it’s women causing havoc in other women’s lives”.
So how do I fix it… I have no bloody clue… do you?