Life

Friendship vs marriage – or is it both?

Happy almost 18 months of marriage to us! Look guys, we’re still rocking this marriage buzz and it’s still going well. Yes, I’m laughing because this is me…and my us

We often get told, “you guys are such a fun couple“. Have you ever pictured how the world sees you and your best friend?

via GIPHY

Well, to be quite frank, we don’t know how else to be. We’ve only ever known how to be friends and the chemistry was just the added part of it. That’s what makes us work. Zunaid and I do talk about “when the chemistry dies” – because we aren’t oblivious to reality of divorce) and his reply is always the same “then we just continue to hang out as friends, still married, same bed” or I’d reply “only way out now for you is by death – if i got told now already no return to sender for you, you’re stuck with me too“.

So as you know, Zunaid and I were both married and both divorced. And with that, we both come with our fair share of experience on the dos and don’ts of marriage.  My best friend, a psychologist of note, likes to ask me how’s things are in my marriage, because as she knows me best, she knows I tend to look at things from all sides…and my response would always be the same “it’s still fun“. And she will always laugh saying, you do love him hey. And I’ll reply “I do love my friends“.

But you see, that’s just it – my husband is my friend. He was my friend first. And then my husband. And if you apply the rules of friendship to a marriage, the ballgame changes. You end up with less fights, more laughter and much more happier moments. Yes I know, you are going to say “clearly they are in a honeymoon period” or “emotions are always involved“, however we were faced with drama from weekend one, and also, in whatever you do, emotions will always be involved.

So how did we approach this matter – well, this is what Zunaid and I do – every now and then, we come together and have a chat about our marriage – almost like a check-in, a “meeting”…a meeting on likes, dislikes, improvements, what we noticed, changes, etc.  And very much like at work, there are rules to these “meetings”:

  • Rings come off – No rings means we are not chatting as husband and wife, but as friends – that way, we are eliminating all emotions.
  • It’s always a safe zone
  • No children talk
  • It never happens on Sunday date night
  • It never gets rehashed – once it’s done, it’s done
  • What gets discussed, is never used as ammunition in future discussions
  • and most importantly, rules of friendship applies, meaning:
  1. No judgment
  2. Completely open and honesty is exercised
  3. Complete loyalty at all times – good times and in bad
  4. To never lose respect for each other and towards each other
  5. Keep your word towards each other
  6. Not speak ill about each other and defend your friends in their absence

And in every chat, we always learn so much more about each other. But it always teaches me something:

Lesson 1: Zunaid said he has never heard me shout – and I looked at him confused and he reckons “in all the time that we’ve been married, you’ve never shouted at me or the kids or spoken to us in an undermining tone. I don’t ever recall you being angry at me for longer than 1/2 day but I know it’s PMS related and you end up laughing with me – you just can’t even get angry“. I laughed because my first response was “I’m not your mother to shout at you or speak to you in an undermining tone” ; “life is too short to be angry over BS” and “also, you have never raised your voice to me, why would I to you?

Lesson 2: People who were never divorced like to offer advice to people going through divorce or who are divorced – since Zunaid and I can relate to the divorce tribe, we know the shit that comes with it, yet we often find, people who were married for years, are suddenly experts in matters of divorce to the party that needs advice – no man! If you won’t take advice from someone with no experience in a matter, why reciprocate the advice. They know nothing about a scorned partner, sharing custody or paying maintenance.

Lesson 3: You can’t fix everyone – you aren’t God. If people are going to ask you for advice and not take it, screw them.

Lesson 4: Sometimes you just need to only wear the hat of you, wife and mommy. The end! Every man for themselves after that.

Lesson 5: Loyalty is key – loyalty in family often runs low, step out of the playing field and focus on what and who matters.

So to answer my question – yeah do we have both or as he says

via GIPHY

Do you and your partner/spouse have any rules that works for you?

xoxo

3 thoughts on “Friendship vs marriage – or is it both?

  1. Such a lovely read. You’ve clearly taken learnings from your previous marriage to make this work. This is such a worthwhile read for any couple – whether going through issues, married after a divorce, or even happily married – there’s something anyone can learn. I love that you make time for ‘meetings’. My hubby and I try to talk about stuff whenever we get the chance. It’s not as structured as yours though. We end up talking a lot about our kids and the stuff we’re grateful for. We reflect on things and appreciate how we work through things and how blessed we are. I’ve had plenty of tearful convos with him, and it helps that we get to understand how the other feels about certain things, when often we have blinkers on or don’t fully realise or appreciate that our partners may have a different view. We always make an effort to consider each other in decisions, to ask if it’s okay if we do this or that or find out if the other has plans before making any. Sometimes the most basic form of consideration and respect (for each other and each other’s families) goes a long way! Another hot topic is in-laws! We all have our demons here to varying degrees, but mutual respect and keeping the ugliness at bay, however much effort it might take, seriously helps to create warm and fuzzy vibes between the couple! All the best in keeping your marriage blossoming!! 🙂

    1. Thank you for your reply. I know juggling time as a couple vs being parents isnt easy. But it’s vital. While we’re not oblivious to divorce I always say the idea of not knowing where he will sleep, if he is eating etc scares me shitless and if of my friends is in that predicament including him, I’d flip. So we’re stuff together. Much love babes xoxo

  2. Some lovely points in your article. We’ve been married ten years now and still going strong. I hope things go well for you for ten years too. It definitely sounds like you have a good foundation. I so agree with the friendship thing – you do have to be friends too/first.

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