Life, Parenting

Divorce: when women make it ugly

Welcome to the ugly truth of the divorce process no one actually speaks about…

I was wondering if I should start this blog post as a letter and say

Dear men who are dealing with ex wife drama… (because that’s exactly who this blog post is here to help – the men, who step up to the plate and get dealt with an ugly hand on having to deal with ex spouse drama).

You see, I’ve been sitting with this blog post for quite some time… maybe over 3 years (yes, before I met my husband) in the hope that things would change. But sadly it hasn’t…It has only escalated and turned into a money-making-pawn scenario.

So why am I exposing these women and their vicious cycle – because I have brothers, a son, a nephew and I actually think this is a cruel kind woman and I will happily stand with men and help fight these women for what they are doing…

Now before I get blasted for someone thinking it’s aimed at them, it’s aimed at absolutely no one and I am speaking about no one. But chances are, you may have met someone who is like this or maybe you heard or experienced their horror stories…

Let me tell you my reasoning behind this blog post and why before you blast me, you hear me out first, with an open mind. As a woman, and a Capetonian Muslim woman, there seems to be a trend being followed by my some fellow Capetonian Muslim women that really embarrasses me – I am embarrassed by the lengths and depths these women will go too, to get what they want (and not for the sake of the child as it should be, but more for the sake of their bruised egos). Also, this isn’t all Cape Town Muslim women – but there seems to be a type that share a few things in common [a) They just and only have their matric and didn’t study further; b) their job isn’t high end or they are not working and just have too much time on their hands; c) they had to now move back to their childhood area which isn’t as affluent and d) they actually have daddy issues and now feel that all men are as shitty as their (absent fathers) and deserve to suffer] – hey I don’t make up the stereotype, I just get given their background history. And the result – anyone who experiences an inkling of happiness, these women feel, don’t deserve it.

Side note:

1. Yes this is what my life and blog posts have become – where I have to be really careful about what I post because people take it either very personal or think I’m aiming it at them. Names are never mentioned and as a writer, I just go with the flow of where my writing takes me, so it’s really not aimed at anyone specific and merely my observations and views.

2. Also I am fully aware that there are fathers out there that are real dick to their kids and the mother of their kids. I’m not addressing these fools. This blog post is about the mothers that are real dicks to the fathers of their kids and uses their “I’m-a-woman-therefore-I-can-pretend-to-be-a-victim-and-I-will-milk-this-situation-as-much-as-I-can”. But these women are actually narcissists using their children as pawn and using their womanhood as their playing card to manipulate the (legal) system and ultimately make the lives of the fathers difficult. 

3. This blog post is purely based on what I’ve learned over time.

4. I’m not a woman-hater. Oh on contrary – I’m a firm believer of adjusting my fellow woman’s crown but I am 100% on the team “anti-manipulation-vindictive and playing the victim”.

5. Also, having being divorced myself and have gone through the entire (legal) system, I am familiar with the system. I’m also familiar with the fair process of the law. My ex and I are at the point where we have a common goal – what’s best for (only) our daughter. We will never be friends but there is an understanding in place.

Reminder (in case we forget) to why maintenance is paid:

All parents have the responsibility to ensure that their children have access to necessities such as – the pink are realistic notes of what maintenance is not:

  • Shelter (not for the mom now to upgrade her living situation in any way on the father’s expense)
  • Clothing (if the child wasn’t raised on Country Road, Nike, and Converse, now is not that time to do that on the father’s expense)
  • Medical care (not for the mom to upgrade her medical aid to a higher package oon the father’s expense)
  • Schooling (not for the mom to upgrade the child to a better school and aftercare and add on 5 more extra murals on the father’s expense)
  • Food (not for the mom to now want to eat out weekly, do grocery shopping four times and week and suddenly support her entire family on the father’s expense)

I was in Johannesburg over the week and a friend (who is going through a divorce) messaged to say, “you were right, she did follow through with an interdict“. If this was the first time I ever heard of such a story, I would’ve been shocked. But there is actually a common thread process that scorned women follow when they get divorce.

Same game being played, different players – almost as if these women are all reading from the same “How to screw over your ex-husband” guide. Men, if your ex-spouse fits the criteria, get ready for the 5 phases of “oh shit, you’re screwed“…

Phase 1: Reality hits her that she won’t have a husband who will financially be supporting her or helping her any longer – which now means, she will need to go get a (real) job after being home for quite some time and she now will have to endure a massive downgrade to life (shock! horror!).

Phase 2: Now she’s lost it, time to go to court, play the victim card and pretend that he hasn’t been contributing financially towards anything for the child/children and therefore she feels she has the right to ask for a crazy unrealistic amount of maintenance. Here we’re looking at any amount over R10 000 for expenditure that suddenly appeared out of no where (While they are making up that crazy amount request from their ex-husband, common sense doesn’t kick in yet, partially as they forget parenting is 50-50 – this means, if you aren’t working, sister, time to hit the job market; and if you are working an entry level job, time to produce those realistic expenses).

Phase 3: While that’s in the process, she’ll take out an interdict or domestic violence charge against him because she’s a woman and she can and she feels she’s entitled to do so – and her sudden reasoning “she feels scared of him and the person he was during the marriage“). Keep in mind, if he was domestically violent during the marriage, she never ever reported it, but these kinds of women, are usually married to men who would never even raised a finger, so these women know that by serving their ex-husband with an interdict will add a bit more stress onto them. But these women “who are (suddenly) scared of their ex” will happily give them the option of taking them back “for the sake of the kids” (but it’s the mere embarrassment of being single that is the real reason).

Phase 4: Parenting plan – not going to happen. Suddenly she feels she is the only parent and he needs to pay me the maintenance she wants before he can see his child and also with the interdict, she suddenly doesn’t really really trust him with their kids so he won’t see his kids until I say so – and why does she feel this way – because she is a (scorned) woman and she has the power and will just cry and the courts will hear her out.

Phase 5 is split in various stages for many reasons you have either seen it happen or heard the stories about it…

Phase 5a:Your family chose me over you” – I love this phrase. There is a big difference in “his family chose me” compared to “I have no pride and will guilt (directly or indirectly) the family into keeping me around as I gave them their niece/nephew/grandchild

Phase 5b:That bastard moved on… and is now dating/remarried. Who does he think he is? I hate that bitch already and I will really make her life hell now. And she will not be the mother to my child

via GIPHY

This is where something goes “click” in their heads and now they are on the warpath. Because no matter how nice the girl is to the child, this mom now thinks the worst of the worst. She also refuses to accept change and that their child is a child of divorce. And women who are married to these men, NOTHING you do for these kids, will ever be good enough. Like never ever! Not because it’s not good enough, but because it’s you doing it – not her.

So she’ll do 1 of 5 things:

  • She’ll use emotional blackmail on the child and tell the child how their father left them for someone else making the child resent the new person in their lives.
  • She’ll force and guilt the father to attend a pretense every school events/family functions (something she was fine attending alone) and say “for the sake of the child” but it’s actually more for her to save face and put up the pretense that they’re a “happy united family” and there is no other family that the father has.
  • She’ll make the child ask their father “why don’t you want my mom“; “why did you leave us“; “why don’t you visit anymore“.
  • She’ll send indirect demands through the child so the child will say things like “I don’t have this or that at home and my mommy says you must by it for me“.
  • Start dictating how things need to be in her ex husband’s home – not ask (because keep in mind, he now shares a home with his new person) but enforce what she wants – she doesn’t care that it’s not her home. She doesn’t care that she doesn’t live there or contribute to anything in that home – in her mind, she feels she has the right to dictate because it’s her and no one can tell her otherwise. You can never suggest in her home as you have no right, but she puts down demands on her ex spouse (and even his family because she feels she can an her entitlement says she can).

Keep in mind, these women suddenly forgot they had this man for a long time. They had every opportunity to make things work – but these women, opted more for making the lives of these men miserable (now keep in mind, this blog post is about special cases – not the couple who genuinely fell out of love – more the narcissist with daddy issues who was more a dictator than a partner). And she felt he would never leave her or move on, and instead he found someone who loves and appreciates him.

Phase 5c: With a parental plan in place, maintenance order decided and still her not getting her way, her ex spouse as happy as he can possibly be, time to social welfare involved, because she (believes she) can.

To the guys who endure this, and to the women who are at their side, the sad reality of this, is that, no matter what, ladies and gents, history has shown, women like this will never stop.

The sad reality is more and more men are either choosing not to see their children anymore on the notion that they don’t want to deal with these women OR they are legally handing over their parental rights to these women so that they don’t have to deal with these women. These women don’t realise what they are doing has noting to do in the best interest of the child (as it should be).

Will it ever stop – I honestly don’t know. But the stories I’ve heard these two months from various men show that it shows no signs of slowing down but only escalating.

To the parents raising daughters – raise them to not be crazy. Raise them happy and to love. Manipulation isn’t how things are done. Raise them to be fair and equal and that even if a parent is absent, it’s not their fault. They carry these burdens into their adult relationships and it’s cultivated to how they raise their kids.

To the moms raising sons – raise them to stand their ground and to protect themselves from these women.

To the siblings and family of these men – stand with these men. Don’t let someone who is no longer part of your family manipulate you “for the sake of the child“. By you helping her out, you are giving her time and space to make the life of your brother hell. That child will be okay. These women portray these kids to be pitied but often never say what they are doing. Know where your loyalty lies – family is family. I always say, in Islam, only your sibling can bury you – not some random stranger.

To the women who are married to these men – be the fighter for him when he can no longer fight. These women have the ultimate goal of making sure can you walk away. Don’t give her the benefit to break something you two took so long to build. Expose her if you have too. give up on what you built. I know you didn’t sign up for it – but if he is standing his ground, it’s only normal he can’t fight forever.

To the men fighting these unjust women – we hear you; we see you; we stand with you. You are doing what’s best for your child but don’t let someone manipulate you for the sake of your child. Remember 1 thing: no force, nothing in this world, will ever make you stop being their dad or make them stop loving you. To them, you will always be their dad and their hero!

Stand up to abuse…of any kind…even if the abuser is a woman! Expose the manipulative vindictive narcissists! Expose their corrupt ways and expose how they exploit the legal and maintenance system!

Men deserve to be happy too!

xoxo

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