So I’ve always been that person that wonders how I’d handle the loss of a loved one. Would I cry? Would I be the forever support system that I am for everyone. Well, that’s been the reason for my lack of blogging. You see I’ve recently experienced a sudden death in my family and I thought I’d be coping, hell, some days I even go about the day great and then other days I’m hit with the loss and suddenly I cant breathe and just want to curl up in bed and not leave.
Let me start from the beginning: I recently loss my uncle. He was murdered. Wrong place, wrong time kind of thing. I want to tell you that we were close, I want to tell you that we spent time together, but you see, as the years went on, we werent close. We were the complete opposite of close. We couldnt be in the same room even together.
But it wasnt always like that. We grew up together, him and my second youngest uncle. I thought I couldnt explain how I felt this sudden urge of sadness when he died. Because we werent that close when I hit adulthood. I know, sounds like I’m babbling. But then after his death, my second youngest uncle defined exactly how I was feeling towards his death and he was spot on. He was my best friend growing up – they were my brothers. I was the baby sister. I knew him before the cousins saw him as the cool uncle, I knew him when he was just dorky and weird and finding his cool gene. He took the punishment for my part and he made sure I got to school safe. When I lost him, I didnt realise that I’d lose a piece of my heart too.
I listen to my family speak about him, and I cant partake in the conversation – not because I cant – but because I dont want too. They all got to see him before he died, but I didnt. I dont want to talk about him because I have different memories with him and part of me feels if I talk about they will all go away. It’s only been a month, and I’ve not had one night since where I can sleep peacefully. Instead I end up waking seeing your face but cheery face of him, I see the final face of him, the cold one I kissed as I had to say my final goodbye. During the day, while I’m going about my day, I’d get flashes of that final face, the cold one I kissed and suddenly my hands would go ice cold. Ice cold and blue. I asked my friend about this – what I’m experiencing – and she said I have secondary traumatic stress. I hope the pain goes away so I can experience just a bit of happiness again.
So this is my entry of sadness and I’m hoping this post, while the tears are rolling down my eyes, will make the pain a bit easier and get the healing process in started.